If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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