i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
