I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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