things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
please come you make the beer taste better
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
