Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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