Plan B is the new Plan A
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
