so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
