I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
