If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
