I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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