He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
