jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
