the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
