I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
