sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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