I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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