Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
