i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
