forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
