apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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