Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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