Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
