This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
