I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
