someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
