Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
