My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
