my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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