I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
