We're facebook friends in real life
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Couch. On fire.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
