really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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