i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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