Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
wow bdsm is so cute
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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