Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Come back. Shots need mouths.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
