but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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