a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
