I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
