What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i was born a porn star she said
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
