idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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