you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
