He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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