Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
