once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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