dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
where are my eyebrows?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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