my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
