there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
