is your mom at the bar?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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