It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
