My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
