The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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