Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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