I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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