Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just found puke in my bra..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
