he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
