So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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